The new home of Victor Thompson, voted Softest in his class of nearly 200,000
Local researchers are baffled at the inexhaustable enthusiasm and joy that emanates from the Purex Toilet Paper factory, where millions of Purex toilet paper pillows are created every day for the sole purpose of being shit on.
“Hurray! We’re the SOFTEST!” exclaims Victor Thompson, a two month old Purex Pillow who seems to have no idea he’s toilet paper. He happily snuggles up to a young boy and girl, who are inevitably going to cover him in feces.
“Snuggly soft!” he cries out again, the children giggling and laughing along with his charm. The pillow nearly broke out into an elaborate song and dance number, but was interupted when the children’s father escorted him from the room. Moments later, Victor found himself violently thrashed against the grown man’s anus.
“Buying this stuff sure has its drawbacks,” explains the man, making sure Victor is covered with a generous amount of fecal matter. “Having to listen to millions of little shrieks every time you drop a deuce can start to grate on ya. But the kids seem to like them, and they’re cheaper than a babysitter, so whatever.”
The man suddenly realized that he was giving an interview on the toilet, and summoned several dozen stern-looking pillows to escort us from the room. A flush was soon heard, followed by a chorus of tiny screams.
“Is this existence? Is this the meaning of our lives?” gurgles Victor, still clinging to the side of the toilet bowl. “I fought to get to the front of the line! I made sure I was the softest pillow in the whole factory! NOW look at me!”
