Since the Mayans made a really cool 3D animation suite, I thought they wouldn’t have the balls to make everything come to a close in 2012. That was until I started seeing the TRUE signs of the apocalypse.

“What signs?” you ask while trying really hard to work a Mel Gibson joke into your next sentence. Well, for starters, there are FOUR separate midget reality shows on TLC.

It was funny at first seeing an ex-Ewok stumbling around on crutches, trying to do simple things like eat a sandwich and take a shit. Although his midget-faced wife usually made me lose my appetite, it was also worth seeing the midget-faced son constantly sprain his ankles and try to talk with a big mouth full of crooked teeth.

That was until the Little Couple got their own show.

I’m all for laughing at the misfortunes of the tiny folk, but the woman in that show has that freaky Head On A Baby’s Body Midgetry going on, and the fact that someone thought it was a good idea to let her be a doctor scares me even more. Imagine waking up after a car accident and having her walking around on your body, those tiny feet leaving creepy craters on your stomach, and listening to her strain and grunt while trying to lift a thermometer? Gross.

Needless to say, I stuck to Matt Roloff complaining about his DUI. At least he built a trebuchet and almost killed his kid with it.

My terrifying realization of the world coming to an end came last night, when a THIRD midget reality show was being advertised. This time, dwarves are trying to ADOPT A BABY. Like, a regular HUMAN baby. If the other reality shows didn’t exist, then I’d be all for it – since the show would eventually have the baby outgrow the parents by the age of two and start kicking the shit out of them. But considering that there are already two other shows making light of handicapped people trying not to fall down, this sent a terrifying chill down my spine.

Scared enough? Probably not. THE LITTLE CHOCOLATIERS made its debut, featuring greasy midgets touching perfectly normal food with their tiny manipulative hands. This is food that children are bound to eat at one time or another, so be warned – the show is not for the faint of heart. Watch at your own risk.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people are becoming shorter. There’s no way that three midget shows can bring in enough ratings and cash to warrant all of their existences. I can guarantee that babies are going to start being born shorter, and tall people will find themselves rapidly shrinking week by week. Soon we’ll be no taller than a cat, and will be frantically trying to push the big giant feline head away from our intestines while it feasts and purrs.

The only solution: a new show titled “Tiny Plant Giant Feet”, a frightening look into the everyday dealings of a family of giants. We can follow their exploits as they stomp around the city eating orphans and rolling up hay bales into giant cigarettes and lighting them with stone cottage chimneys. Once we can establish one solid show with multiple injuries and DUIs related to Gigantism, more shows will follow and we can wage war on the midgets using these ogre brethren.

Take my word for it, we should not sleep until these little ones are squared away in shoeboxes, tossed to the Laurentian Abyss where the massive pressure of the ocean depth will crush them to harmless pea-sized fleshpods.

There are many more signs that indicate the end of the world, but that’s all the time I have for now. I think I’m being watched – the cybercafé owner is most likely going to charge me for another hour unless I skimp out right this minute.

UPDATE: PIT BOSS. Look it up. Find a bunker. Hide. It’s all over.

Quite frankly, you’ve seen enough.

Now that the government has decided to step in and take the shots away, deciding that people with AIDS, cancer, and one Stanley Cup win are more important than you – we’ve come up with a fast and FREE alternative to breaking into the flu clinics at 3am or buying shady shots from the greasy guy on the corner.

Yes, the world’s FIRST downloadable H1N1 shot is now available – right here on spicybackpain.com!

That’s right, you don’t have to venture outside your house and brave the apocademic that’s sweeping the nation, you can administer the shot right in the comfort of your own home! Modern technology combined with even more modern scientology has produced a method of squeezing viral immunities down your cable line, past Dexter and Weeds, through a wide open field of furry porn and videos of Japanese women fighting in a glue pit, straight into your cable modem, and eventually into your computer.

The only thing needed to administer the shot is a pair of scissors, and possibly a grown up to supervise you. The directions on the printout must be followed EXACTLY, otherwise you risk having to download and print another shot. Bandwidth and printer ink aren’t exactly cheap these days.

The shot is available here: http://www.spicybackpain.com/H1N1_SHEET.pdf, and a handy preview of your flu shot is viewable below. Also, we threw in a little surprise for the high riskers! That’s right, kids! A present!

Remember, do NOT administer a spicybackpain shot that was received anywhere other than spicybackpain.com. Downloading and rehosting a shot can result in pixelation of the vaccine, and there’s no telling what those chunky little cubes will do once you inject them into your system.

“I didn’t think anyone was home,” explains Shirley Pappy, Happy’s wife of 23 years. “I went in to use the toilet and there he was, behind the shower curtain, exposing himself for the whole entire room to see!”.

Recent reports indicate Happy Pappy merchandise was the leading fuel for bonfires today.

“To think that children’s show hosts are doing things like that in the confines of their own homes sickens me,” bellows out Anne MacGinty, local leader of the Families for Families coalition. “My child will never be able to look at that sick pervert the same way! Everyone in Hell is naked, you know! That should–”

Anne’s comments were cut short as she managed to choke on the Crispy Chicken meal she was plowing through, spitting up fries and bun all over the podium.

Happy Pappy, although available for comment, attempted to communicate through a series of horn honks and kazoo buzzes. He eventually pelted reporters with confetti before escaping down a sewer drain.

The LAPD has issued a warrant for Happy Pappy’s arrest and plan on taking a lengthy series of photos of his penis, along with the penises of other children’s show hosts in order to confirm exactly who was in the shower at the time. The photos will be made available on the LAPD website next Thursday, allowing children to confirm if they’ve even been a victim of indecent exposure by any of the hosts in question.

“We had no idea people in Canada felt this way, or that the people of Tibet were unhappy,” states Hu Jintao, president of the People’s Republic of China. “After changing my status this morning and poking Kim Jong Il, I noticed he had joined this “Free Tibet” group. I only had to glance at a page or two of members before I realized what we were doing was completely and totally wrong. What were we thinking?”

Hu Jintao began muttering “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” and smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand for a good ten minutes, until a guard suggested we wait in the hall until he finished.

The membership of the ‘Free Tibet’ group climbed to over 2000 yesterday, creating a massive forum of heated political activism.

“Tibet shuld really B let go,” writes Landon Reynolds on the group’s wall, shortly after trivializing the holocaust for the third time today with the creation of his new group ‘ED STILMACH = HITLER’. “After theuy had teh sunami and evarthing tehy shud be aloud 2 be free!”

Group creator Tyler Simmons remains humble regarding his contribution to the people of Tibet.

“I dunno,” says Tyler, anxiously glancing back and forth between his current game of Team Fortress 2. “We did some report on Tibet and I found out it was oppressed and stuff, and I heard about some burning monk that got burnt up because he thought Tibet should be free, so I made the group.”

As Tyler turned back to his game the ghost of Thích Quảng Đức appeared in the room to remind him that he was actually Vietnamese, but became visibly upset when Tyler ignored him and selected the Pyro class for the next game. Thích made a strange gesture that somehow came across as “No comment”, before quickly returning to haunt the Lee Garden restaurant down the street.

People around the world are celebrating the success of the Facebook group by creating more Facebook groups.

“It’s so fantastic that we managed to make a difference!” writes Jessica Stevens, who recently ended the crisis in Darfur with the creation of her group ‘JOIN IF U THINK JENNICIDE IZ GAY’. “It’s so awesome that a site like Facebook exists! We’re finally able to support those in need without actually having to do anything!”

“Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? EVERYBODY’S DONE THIS!” screams Cook in a clip from the album, moments before letting out a screech that lasts nearly eight minutes. The screech was followed by five seconds of scattered laughter, then twelve minutes of cheers and whistles.

Another clip from the album shows Dane’s more serious side, as he explores the controversy over the war in Iraq.

“Y’ever, y’ever see army guys in the news? They’re ALWAYS doing this!” Cook bellowed out to a crowd of some 20,000 prepubescent boys and girls. Thunderous laughter was heard for roughly twenty minutes while Cook did inaudible flails and twitching, which apparently all army guys do.

Thousands of fans had set up campgrounds in front of local HMVs, desperate to be the first to hear Dane’s newest take on the controversial topics of screaming, shouting, flailing, and things you always do. Twelve year old Melissa Edwards, self proclaimed ‘Daneaphile’ and ‘future wife of the hottest comic EVER’, had been camping in front of the store for nearly nine days.

“Like, Dane is the funniest guy I’ve ever SEEN! You totally have to SEE his act!” Melissa screamed, oblivious that you can’t ‘see’ audio tracks on the CD she was about to buy. Melissa was about to perform another ‘walk by’ in front of a local cluster of boys when she suddenly realized that our cameras weren’t outdated cell phones.

“Am I going to be on TV? Is this on TV? OH MY GOD! I NEED TO CALL CHELSEA!”

Melissa pulled out her cell phone and dove into her tent, where cries of “Chels? Chels? Chels? O’m’God! Chels?” were heard for the next several hours.

When asked if he cared that most of the western world considers him a gigantic tool, Dane Cook laughed obnoxiously and threw himself against the wall several times.

“Who cares if I’m a tool?” yelled Cook, kicking over a table and walking around the room with his knees locked together. “Tools are useful, that’s why we have them! I don’t care about the haters! I’m pretty happy with my success!” Cook leered around the room, looking quite pleased that his shrieking had managed to attract a sizeable crowd of girls. “All these girls will be ladies one day, so it’s all good! Where are YOUR ladies? Huh? I don’t see any ladies around YOU! Gaylord!”

Dane then leaned his head back and made the sound of a motorboat, causing half the girls in the room to swoon and pass out from excitement.