Quite frankly, you’ve seen enough.

Now that the government has decided to step in and take the shots away, deciding that people with AIDS, cancer, and one Stanley Cup win are more important than you – we’ve come up with a fast and FREE alternative to breaking into the flu clinics at 3am or buying shady shots from the greasy guy on the corner.

Yes, the world’s FIRST downloadable H1N1 shot is now available – right here on spicybackpain.com!

That’s right, you don’t have to venture outside your house and brave the apocademic that’s sweeping the nation, you can administer the shot right in the comfort of your own home! Modern technology combined with even more modern scientology has produced a method of squeezing viral immunities down your cable line, past Dexter and Weeds, through a wide open field of furry porn and videos of Japanese women fighting in a glue pit, straight into your cable modem, and eventually into your computer.

The only thing needed to administer the shot is a pair of scissors, and possibly a grown up to supervise you. The directions on the printout must be followed EXACTLY, otherwise you risk having to download and print another shot. Bandwidth and printer ink aren’t exactly cheap these days.

The shot is available here: http://www.spicybackpain.com/H1N1_SHEET.pdf, and a handy preview of your flu shot is viewable below. Also, we threw in a little surprise for the high riskers! That’s right, kids! A present!

Remember, do NOT administer a spicybackpain shot that was received anywhere other than spicybackpain.com. Downloading and rehosting a shot can result in pixelation of the vaccine, and there’s no telling what those chunky little cubes will do once you inject them into your system.

“I didn’t think anyone was home,” explains Shirley Pappy, Happy’s wife of 23 years. “I went in to use the toilet and there he was, behind the shower curtain, exposing himself for the whole entire room to see!”.

Recent reports indicate Happy Pappy merchandise was the leading fuel for bonfires today.

“To think that children’s show hosts are doing things like that in the confines of their own homes sickens me,” bellows out Anne MacGinty, local leader of the Families for Families coalition. “My child will never be able to look at that sick pervert the same way! Everyone in Hell is naked, you know! That should–”

Anne’s comments were cut short as she managed to choke on the Crispy Chicken meal she was plowing through, spitting up fries and bun all over the podium.

Happy Pappy, although available for comment, attempted to communicate through a series of horn honks and kazoo buzzes. He eventually pelted reporters with confetti before escaping down a sewer drain.

The LAPD has issued a warrant for Happy Pappy’s arrest and plan on taking a lengthy series of photos of his penis, along with the penises of other children’s show hosts in order to confirm exactly who was in the shower at the time. The photos will be made available on the LAPD website next Thursday, allowing children to confirm if they’ve even been a victim of indecent exposure by any of the hosts in question.

“We had no idea people in Canada felt this way, or that the people of Tibet were unhappy,” states Hu Jintao, president of the People’s Republic of China. “After changing my status this morning and poking Kim Jong Il, I noticed he had joined this “Free Tibet” group. I only had to glance at a page or two of members before I realized what we were doing was completely and totally wrong. What were we thinking?”

Hu Jintao began muttering “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” and smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand for a good ten minutes, until a guard suggested we wait in the hall until he finished.

The membership of the ‘Free Tibet’ group climbed to over 2000 yesterday, creating a massive forum of heated political activism.

“Tibet shuld really B let go,” writes Landon Reynolds on the group’s wall, shortly after trivializing the holocaust for the third time today with the creation of his new group ‘ED STILMACH = HITLER’. “After theuy had teh sunami and evarthing tehy shud be aloud 2 be free!”

Group creator Tyler Simmons remains humble regarding his contribution to the people of Tibet.

“I dunno,” says Tyler, anxiously glancing back and forth between his current game of Team Fortress 2. “We did some report on Tibet and I found out it was oppressed and stuff, and I heard about some burning monk that got burnt up because he thought Tibet should be free, so I made the group.”

As Tyler turned back to his game the ghost of Thích Quảng Đức appeared in the room to remind him that he was actually Vietnamese, but became visibly upset when Tyler ignored him and selected the Pyro class for the next game. Thích made a strange gesture that somehow came across as “No comment”, before quickly returning to haunt the Lee Garden restaurant down the street.

People around the world are celebrating the success of the Facebook group by creating more Facebook groups.

“It’s so fantastic that we managed to make a difference!” writes Jessica Stevens, who recently ended the crisis in Darfur with the creation of her group ‘JOIN IF U THINK JENNICIDE IZ GAY’. “It’s so awesome that a site like Facebook exists! We’re finally able to support those in need without actually having to do anything!”

“Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? EVERYBODY’S DONE THIS!” screams Cook in a clip from the album, moments before letting out a screech that lasts nearly eight minutes. The screech was followed by five seconds of scattered laughter, then twelve minutes of cheers and whistles.

Another clip from the album shows Dane’s more serious side, as he explores the controversy over the war in Iraq.

“Y’ever, y’ever see army guys in the news? They’re ALWAYS doing this!” Cook bellowed out to a crowd of some 20,000 prepubescent boys and girls. Thunderous laughter was heard for roughly twenty minutes while Cook did inaudible flails and twitching, which apparently all army guys do.

Thousands of fans had set up campgrounds in front of local HMVs, desperate to be the first to hear Dane’s newest take on the controversial topics of screaming, shouting, flailing, and things you always do. Twelve year old Melissa Edwards, self proclaimed ‘Daneaphile’ and ‘future wife of the hottest comic EVER’, had been camping in front of the store for nearly nine days.

“Like, Dane is the funniest guy I’ve ever SEEN! You totally have to SEE his act!” Melissa screamed, oblivious that you can’t ‘see’ audio tracks on the CD she was about to buy. Melissa was about to perform another ‘walk by’ in front of a local cluster of boys when she suddenly realized that our cameras weren’t outdated cell phones.

“Am I going to be on TV? Is this on TV? OH MY GOD! I NEED TO CALL CHELSEA!”

Melissa pulled out her cell phone and dove into her tent, where cries of “Chels? Chels? Chels? O’m’God! Chels?” were heard for the next several hours.

When asked if he cared that most of the western world considers him a gigantic tool, Dane Cook laughed obnoxiously and threw himself against the wall several times.

“Who cares if I’m a tool?” yelled Cook, kicking over a table and walking around the room with his knees locked together. “Tools are useful, that’s why we have them! I don’t care about the haters! I’m pretty happy with my success!” Cook leered around the room, looking quite pleased that his shrieking had managed to attract a sizeable crowd of girls. “All these girls will be ladies one day, so it’s all good! Where are YOUR ladies? Huh? I don’t see any ladies around YOU! Gaylord!”

Dane then leaned his head back and made the sound of a motorboat, causing half the girls in the room to swoon and pass out from excitement.

“It’s actually going to be quite a departure from my previous films!” states Ferrell, who has obviously never seen his previous films. “I’m actually looking forward to expanding my range and maybe start doing some serious roles, like Tom Hanks after he did “The ‘burbs!”

Tom Hanks refused to comment on his name being uttered by Will Ferrell, and instead twisted his face in disgust before driving away.

Ferrell has already begun work on the three movies, recycling techniques he’s used in previous films by recycling sets and actors from previous films. The first of the three movies is titled The Jockey, where he plays an overweight, overconfident horse jockey that has somehow worked his way up to the top of his field.

“I’m the best jockey in the WORLD!” screams Ferrell in an early teaser of the movie, before predictably falling off his horse into a pile of excrement. “NOBODY is better than me!”

The scene continues for another three minutes with Ferrell slowly ripping his clothes off while running around in a circle, screaming and flailing wildly. The scene ended with the projectionist groaning and fast forwarding the film.

Ferrell promises that the second film, “The Violinist”, will treat people to his more serious side. In the film, Ferrell plays an overweight, overconfident violin player who has somehow worked his way up to the top of his field.

“I’m the best violin player in the WORLD!” screams Ferrell in an early teaser for the movie, before predictably falling off the stage into a pile of excrement. “NOBODY is better than me!”

The scene continues for another three minutes while Ferrell plays the violin like a guitar, and ended when the projectionist ripped the film out of the projector and threw it out the window.

Ferrell’s third film, The Ballerina, has been plagued with a number of problems that impede its completion – the biggest occurring when the unfinished screenplay had a sudden burst of conscience before forming itself into a noose and strangling the writer for the good of humanity.

“I don’t get all these people hating on what I do,” says Ferrell, his voice rising to a plainly unfunny high pitch. “I’m the best comedic actor in the WORLD! NOBODY is better than me!” Ferrell shouted out moments before tumbling out of his seat into a pile of excrement.

The Jockey opens in theaters next week.

The new home of Victor Thompson, voted Softest in his class of nearly 200,000

Local researchers are baffled at the inexhaustable enthusiasm and joy that emanates from the Purex Toilet Paper factory, where millions of Purex toilet paper pillows are created every day for the sole purpose of being shit on.

“Hurray! We’re the SOFTEST!” exclaims Victor Thompson, a two month old Purex Pillow who seems to have no idea he’s toilet paper. He happily snuggles up to a young boy and girl, who are inevitably going to cover him in feces.

“Snuggly soft!” he cries out again, the children giggling and laughing along with his charm. The pillow nearly broke out into an elaborate song and dance number, but was interupted when the children’s father escorted him from the room. Moments later, Victor found himself violently thrashed against the grown man’s anus.

“Buying this stuff sure has its drawbacks,” explains the man, making sure Victor is covered with a generous amount of fecal matter. “Having to listen to millions of little shrieks every time you drop a deuce can start to grate on ya. But the kids seem to like them, and they’re cheaper than a babysitter, so whatever.”

The man suddenly realized that he was giving an interview on the toilet, and summoned several dozen stern-looking pillows to escort us from the room. A flush was soon heard, followed by a chorus of tiny screams.

“Is this existence? Is this the meaning of our lives?” gurgles Victor, still clinging to the side of the toilet bowl. “I fought to get to the front of the line! I made sure I was the softest pillow in the whole factory! NOW look at me!”